Proving once again that society has moved beyond parody or satire, an upstart ICO has announced a celebrity partner whom we sincerely hope will become the new face of cryptocurrency: Steven Seagal.
“Wait a minute,” you say. “Not the Steven Seagal? Steven Seagal, the spiritual guru and direct-to-video star of such action-packed hits as Kill Switch and Half Past Dead? Not the acclaimed novelist, energy drink pioneer, and PETA-awarded humanitarian?”
Yes, that Steven Seagal has recently been appointed brand ambassador for Bitcoiin2Gen(B2G), the latest in a long string of aspiring next-big-things. In a press release worthy of The Onion, Bitcoiin2Gen—spelled with an extra ‘i’—announced that “Zen Master” Steve was an “obvious choice” as brand ambassador.
As a Buddhist, Zen Teacher, and healer, Steven lives by the principles that the development of the physical self is essential to protect the spiritual man. He believes that what he does in his life is about leading people into contemplation to wake them up and enlighten them in some manner. These are precisely the objectives of the Bitcoiin2Gen.
Indeed, there truly is nothing quite as spiritual as minting a new blockchain algorithm, or the deep contemplation that comes with watching an altcoin plummet with your savings. Here at CoinStaker we have daily sessions of meditation and tantric breathing before deciding which coins to shill.
We really wish we’d spotted this release before we wrote about the Five Silliest Cryptocurrencies, because this one makes Bananacoin look like Merrill Lynch.
Is Steven the New Carlos?
The ponytailed black belt is a welcome addition to the cryptocurrency space, which is finally starting to get bored of laughing at those BitConnect videos. Okay, maybe one more time.
If you were born after the ‘90s and have never scrounged at the bottom of a discount movie bin, Zen Master Steven is one of those stars with more brand than personality—he’s like the Donald Trump of martial arts movies. In his long cinematic career, Seagal has explored complex roles such as a karate-trained CIA spy, a karate-trained ex-Navy Seal, a karate-trained cop, and a karate-trained karate teacher. He’s pretty much the same character in every movie.
Seagal has since branched out to other art forms. He’s got two albums and a novel, with the decidedly Seagal-esque title The Way of the Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and the Hijacking of America.
He’s also been doing this for longer than you think. In 1997, a group of Buddhist mystics recognized Seagal as a tulku, the reincarnation of a high-ranking Tibetan lama. By astonishing coincidence his divinity was recognized shortly after Steven had made a generous donation.
If that seems far-fetched, it’s no worse than Seagal’s claim to have trained the CIA, fought the Yakuza, and worked as an expert on ancient swords. Seagal also owns–and this one is true– a bulletproof Kimono.
We’re not sure what being a “brand ambassador” entails, but we really hope it means we get to see more of him. Especially if Steven promotes Bitcoiin the same way he promotes his Energy Drink.
.We just hope he’s not being paid in Bitcoiins.
Bitcoiin2Gen: The Extra ‘i’ is for Integrity.
If hiring a grownup Karate Kid was a publicity stunt, there’s no question that it worked: the Zen Master gave Bitcoiin2Gen more media attention than a BitGrail sex tape. Now that Bitcoiin has some well-deserved limelight, let’s take a look under the hood of the latest generation of cryptocurrency.
The first thing we learned is that B2G can’t afford translators. “The inspiration of Bitcoiin 2Gen, is to make a superior or more advanced version of Original Bitcoin: A Peer-to-Peer Electronic Cash System, was published in 2008 by Satoshi Nakamoto,” we learn in the About section. It’s pretty much downhill from there.
Next, we learn is that B2G is runs on Ethereum, “which is safer and faster blockchain than the Bitcoin’s blockchain.” Yes, Bitcoiin, the latest iteration of Satoshi’s legacy, is an Ethereum token.
Most white papers are pretty boring reads, but B2G’s is an exception. There’s no technical language or big computer words, no mention of block-times or cryptographic protocols, and not a single word about the developers. There’s a vague something about cloud mining, but also staking, with 1% monthly “guaranteed” returns. The bibliography consists mostly of links to other, better altcoins.
There’s plenty more comedy gold in the “Bitcoiin” Website, but it seems cruel to drag it out. In any case, B2G has already drawn plenty of ridicule and took a Seagal-style defense stance, saying:
Of course, we are not an MLM company or any Pyramid Scheme or Scamming people, all of these allegations are false and just an attempt to discourage people from becoming a part of the Bitcoiin2Gen, Crypto-Currencies, and Crypto-economies.
Then they followed up with with their knock-out punch, a graphical illustration to prove that they’re not a pyramid scheme:
Well, that settles it. What are you waiting for? This exciting money-making opportunity is only available for a limited time!
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