Finally, a new way to get fucked by cryptocurrency

Months of fevered speculation reached a climax on Tuesday, when Verge finally announced its mystery partnership.The privacy-promising cryptocurrency appears to have partnered with Mindgeek, the Microsoft of porn. Three of Mindgeek’s adult brands will now accept payment in Verge: Brazzers, Pornhub, and Nutaku.

In a press release issued by Pornhub, it was announced that:

Here at Pornhub, we have always strongly valued innovation and privacy. Over the past couple of years we’ve launched Virtual Reality (VR), to provide our users with the most immersive experience possible; a Bug Bounty program, which offers monetary rewards to security researchers for finding bugs on our platform; and HTTPS, to provide a more secure user experience. Our acceptance of Verge is an affirmation of our dedication to innovation and privacy, which recently has caused much concern and been at the forefront of all tech consumers’ minds….Were extremely excited to offer our fans the ability to use crypto and think Verge, with its focus on anonymity, is the best option – whether for privacy, convenience or both!

In hindsight, the announcement should have been no surprise. After all, Verge is actually a fancy French word for ”Penis” and it makes sense that  voyeurs should be able to pay for porn with this most phallic of cryptocurrencies.

It makes sense that voyeurs should pay for porn with this most phallic of cryptocurrencies.

For CoinStaker and the rest of the FUD-fueled crypto-economy, the fact that Penis isn’t an exit scam(yet) leaves us with two options. We can either:

  1. Congratulate Sunerok/Vendetta/Valo and the Verge community for a remarkable coup and acknowledge Penis as a growing challenger in the next-big-thing contest; or
  2. Keep making dick jokes and roast the hell out of it.

I think we all know which one we’re going to go with.

Wait, there are people who pay for Porn?

Most people learned about the partnership on Pornhub, where horny visitors were treated to a video introduction to  their new cryptocurrency partner. In the video, a grizzled elder gives his grandchild a virtual coin before explaining how Penis came to be world’s moneta franca

Well, a little website came along, everything changed. No big surprise there. Porn had always been the tipping point with online payments, video streaming, V.R. This was no different. When Pornhub started accepting Verge it was only a matter of time before everyone else caught on. The future had finally come. Now, it’s the only thing we use. 

The narration is accompanied with a montage of all the wonderful ways to use Penis in the future: from tipping strippers to helping beggars and tossing into wish fountains. The story ends in Times Square, where a bright electronic billboard declares that “The Future Has Cum.”

Brazzers Tags In

Pornhub wasn’t the only company with good news. Brazzers, another Mindgeek subsidiary, released a similar video, in which accreditted sex historienne Stormy Daniels presents Penis as the latest cutting-edge technology to be adopted by the porn industry.

“Now the next revolution is here,” says the Presidential paramour, as she taps her phone to pay with Penis. “The future just came.”

Just think: Michael Cohen could have saved himself a lot of trouble, if he’d paid Stormy’s hush money in Verge.

The Market Peaks

The future came, as did most of the cryptocurrency community. Within moments of the announcement, Reddit and Twitter users were buzzing with discussion about the latest big crypto partnership. Hopefully they washed their hands first.

Long an inside joke fo the crypto community, Verge has often ridden the short bus of cryptocurrencies, with limited tech, a calendar full of missed deadlines, and comically oversized promises. The recurring pratfalls by the development team–and by “team” we mean Sunerok–led many investors to write it off as a could-have-been.

Sunerok’s secretive announcement last of a “huge partnership” with a multi-billion dollar internet giant drove the crypto community wild with speculation last month, with many skeptics( myself included) betting on an exit scam. However, the coin also has many devoted hodlers, and Penis rose steadily as the market speculated about the mystery partner.

Penis prices peaked in the speculative hours just before the big announcement.

Instead of making the big reveal on the expected dateMarch 26ththe Verge team prolonged the foreplay, turning many balls blue with anticipation. Although prices deflated somewhat after the climax, there’s no question that the partnership is big enough to keep the markets hot for a long time. 

Let’s just hope they’ve got enough energy to keep going.

 

 

Edit: This article was originally published on April 17th, shortly after the Verge/Mindgeek partnership was announced. In the following days, Verge lost more than 30% of its value, falling from US 0.11$ to US 0.067$.

Love Verge? Hate it? Let us know at @Coinstaker

Bother the Author: @fomosexual1

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About Andrew

The author is a starving writer and a shiftless traveller to antique lands. After many adventures in China, Iran, India, and South America, he made a tiny fortune in Bitcoin, which he prompty squandered on Cryptokitties. He now spends his time dodging his creditors and reading fanfiction to the blind.

His writing and photography can be found in several magazines and websites. Some of them are pretty good.

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